[Wind and the clopping of coconuts]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
MONKS: [chanting] Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia
[clonk!]
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: He says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: Fetchez la vache.
[twong !]
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
ERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother--
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
[Fwump!]
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
LAUNCELOT: Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: [yelling] He killed my auntie!
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
SINGING: [Music] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do. [zoosh] You seek the Holy Grail! [pop, pop, pop]
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM: Quite. [pweeng][boom]
KNIGHTS: [clap clap clap]
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
KNIGHT: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
KNIGHT: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy Scot git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
And at this point, I have run out of figures
so I will end the reenactment here.
Read the next section to find more information about
the figures, how they were painted, and finished.
The Figures
This section shows all the figures in the Medieval Mayhem from Hayland Terrain with additional comments on who they are and how they are made.
This is a set of metal minis, and you can appreciate the weight when you pick up the box. The minis came with 32mm bases, which I thought were a little big so I replaced them with 25mm slotted bases. The bases are simple done in gray and brown with some small rock texture.
The Squires took the longest to paint! The number of details on their backpacks, the flags, and the tunics took many sessions.
You can order shield decals, which I did, but I ended up painting the shields and hauberk heraldry by hand. This helps to identify which squire goes with which knight.
The figures are first primed with white primer, blocked in with Army Painter Speedpaints, highlighted with AP Fanatics acrylics, and then some metallics. They are then protected with Krylon Matte Finish (1311).
There are many black and dark brown costumes in the movie. These black uniforms were done with Speedpaint Grim Black. It gives nearly true black in the folds and lighter blacks on the highlights. It certainly gives more depth than if you simply painted them with one shade of darkness.
The whites were very hard to paint. I attempted to use Speedpaint Holy White, but it was the older Speedpaint version 1.0 which absorbed nearby colors. I had to do multiple white acrylic coats to get the proper highlights. I will have to upgrade this Speedpaint to the newer 2.0 version (or use the Vallejo XPress Paint white).
The drunk is a non-movie character that works well in many scenes.
The Brotherhood appears in one scene, chants, and hits head with board.
Roger the Shrubber is one of my favorite characters with the funky hair and his line "Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history."
I particularly like that Hayland included two versions of the Black Knight. I'm sure many minis were cut apart to make Black Knight models.
I appreciate the detail that when into these sculpts. The costumes are done excellently. The faces look good, but at this scale I think it is hard to mold the actual faces of the actors with much fidelity.
This base is the 32mm base which was provided for all figures, but I swapped most for smaller 25mm bases. This base with its rounded edge is very hard to pick up. I like the more vertical conical-edged bases which are more easy to pick up without touching the figure.
As with other knights, I had to paint the hauberk pattern by hand. The three black splotches on the chest are hands, but there you have the limit of my free-hand painting. I do have fine markers which would be more detailed, but these often are tough to use on top of acrylic paint as you follow contours.