Orcs Finally Win as League Expands

Empirical Press, Oct. 16, 1995: The past week was an exciting one for Blood Bowl fans. Numerous close games were played and several new teams had their opening games.

The first game of the week was a rematch between the Chaos Nakthuloglis and the Human Hohums. The Chaos team was looking to avenge the previous 5-0 rout by the Humans. The odds looked good for the Nakthuloglis. The Humans were nursing some serious damage from their recent loss to Drim's Reapers. Their catcher Bob had been killed and their star lineman Crusher Connelly was out for the game. The Chaos team took advantage of the Human injuries and defeated them 2-1. Despite the win, Chaos Head Coach Peebles was dissatisfied with his team's performance: "Sure we won, but we only hurt one of their players!"

A mad scramble of games took place over the weekend. The first game involved two expansion teams: the High Elf Rising Stars... and the Goblin Blak Hol Siko Kilrs. The Elves jumped to an early lead in the game and were able to exploit the stupidity of the Goblin's rookie troll Willy Waste'em. After being hit in the head, the dense troll played most of the first half for the Elves. Unfortunately for the Stars, their skill and ability was no match for the Siko Kilrs' luck. The Goblins won on a last second touchdown pass from Bragga Bugstomper to Crego Crudfoot. Bugstomper's pass went about as far as a Goblin could throw it and Crudfoot caught the ball despite being covered by an Elfin defender. The touchdown broke a 1-1 tie just as time expired. Asked about the loss after the game, Stars Head Coach Thomas was quoted "Lucky f**~~~g Goblins!"

The next game was between the winless Orc Slasher Smashers and the new Skaven team the Rat Bastards. The more experienced Orcs abused the rookie Skaven players. The lightly armored Skaven were never able to take advantage of their speed as the Orcs controlled the ball through most of the game. The Orcs knocked four of the Skaven from the game, but were only able to score once. The 1-0 victory was the first for any Orc team this season. After the game, the Rat Bastards in a most unSkaven like gesture, donated all their winnings to a local charity. With that type of attitude, Head Coach Hood had best keep his resume current.

The final game of the weekend was between the Human Hohums and the Siko kilrs. Both teams were coming off a short rest, but all their players were available for the match. The experienced Humans gave the Goblins a classic lesson in Blood Bowl. The Humans dominated the game, finally winning 2-1. The Goblins could not penetrate the Human defense until their final possession, when they broke through for their only touchdown. Once again the Goblins were hampered by the unreliable play of their rookie trolls. Lug nut Head banger missed most of the game due to an intestinal infection (although the troll was able to catch up on his reading). Siko Kilrs Head Coach Mooney was asked if he would consider drafting more dependable players for future games. "Maybe." He replied with conviction.

Overall, it was a good week for the Blood Bowl aficionado. Although some fans were disappointed by the lack of fatalities. League officials indicated that the relative well being of the players was probably due to the number of inexperienced teams playing and to the fact that the Dwarves and Undead were on a bye week. The officials did state that they are looking into measures to increase player mortality. Some of the proposals mentioned include relaxing the helmet regulation, allowing more extensive use of weaponry and requiring the losing team to sacrifice a player.

Kevin "Eye of the Dog" Mooney reporting