Nights Win Big in Season Finale

The Ausland Statesman - 01/23/96

After a tough season of casualties and losses, the Dark Elf "L. A. Night Voss" team pulled it together to sneak into the playoffs of the Spike Tournament. Once there, the Cinderella team executed flawlessly to clinch the tournament and become the league's first champions.

I. The Early Season - Inexperience and Ignorance

Obviously tired from their long journey from the Southern Swamps, the rookie Dark Elf team faced "Da Blue Bomber" Orc team in the season opener. Both teams were fairly evenly matched with respective ratings of 100 and 111. Before the crowd of 15,000, both teams traded scores and played very well. Near the end of the game, with the score tied at 2-2, Dingle Sack Dangle slipped on the field while going for it, and the Orcs capitalized on the mistake to win the game 3-2.

After coming so close to winning the opening game, the L.A. Night's spirits were deflated, and they suffered against their next two opponents. Facing the experienced "Tunneling Terrors" (rating 137), the Nights lost by a whopping 6-1 margin. Nights star player Be-Atch, however, first showed her team leadership talents by killing Terror Toothless before a crowd of 17,000. The Nights next lost against their goody two-shoes brethren "The Shining Stars That Illuminates Our Path..." (rating 137) in a 5-1 romp in front of 22,000 screaming, pointy-earred fans. Coach "Dark Thoughts" Dan attempted to blame this and earlier losses on the luck of the dice, but the lopsided scores were hard to ignore - except under Coach Becker's usual alcoholic haze.

II. The Mid Season - Close Calls with Powerhouses

Elven spirits continued to ebb, and the darkness, so conducive to Dark Elf activity, loomed over the heads of the Nights as they faced the league powerhouses in their next games. "Drim's Reapers" (rating 149) handed the Nights their only scoreless game of the season in a 3-0 romp before 33,000 fans that saw Dwarven player Jumbo kill Dingle Sack Dangle. Be-Atch was also badly hurt and had to be rescued by the new team apothecary. Another loss and another kill followed in a close 3-2 game against the highly rated "Necro Nasties" (rating 159). The sly elven vixen 'Ho nearly scored the go-ahead touchdown, but slipped one step before the endzone. This flimble was returned the flill length of the field for a touchdown. After the game, Elven skullduggery paid in spades, when the Nights kidnapped the Necro Nasty coach and ransomed him for the entire proceeds of a televised game with 41,000 fans. This brilliant move netted a sum of 240,000 for the elves.

With a bit of cash and a bit of confidence, the 0 and 5 Nights (rating 134), challenged the "New World Chaos" (rating 122). Despite heavy use of the cage offense, the Nights held the line thanks to the slut work of Be-Atch and 'Ho, receiving one casualty, but returning one in the process. The game was tied 1-1 at the fmal gun and went into overtime. A sobering lesson was learned when the elven overtime kick sailed high into the stands. "Chaos", in an uncharacteristically well planned move, handed the ball to the rookie troll, who plodded slowly, while farting and burping loudly, to the end zone for the winning score. Elven Coach "Dark Thoughts" Dan assuaged his sorrow that night by ingesting large amounts of ale, wine, and elven pixie dust.

III. The Late Season - The Darkness Shines

At this point in the season the Nights were 0 and 6, but they had gained plenty of experience. 'Ho was sporting the dodge and catch skills and could run 8 bounds in a single play. Quarterback Phallus Morningwood had picked up pass and accurate and was throwing the ball with aplomb. Many players had acquired the dodge skill and easily caught the ball for touchdowns.

The elven Nights then traveled to Matawan to play the Orc "Slasher Smashers" in front of 2l,000 screaming Matawanians and drunken elves. The elves played brilliantly. On what was nearly the first score of the game, Orc blitzer Meat Pounder swallowed a potion that ballooned his physique to strength 9 and ran toward the end zone. Undaunted and quite skilled at chasing after men, elven player 'Ho followed the Orc and forced him to fail his dodge next to the end zone. She picked up the fumble and returned it 99 paces for a score. The rest of the game saw the steroid crazed elves outscoring the Orcs and their tortise-like cage offense for a final score of 4-l.

After a night of wilding to celebrate their first victory, the Dark Elves (rating 142) now faced the "Rat Bastards" (rating 159). Most of the 33,000 fans had left the stadium by the end of the first half; after coach Doug repeatedly called time out to rehearse plays and teach the rats exactly where to step. It was no use, however, when the elves unleashed "The Chuck" and went on to outscore the Rats for a 3-1 final. In a final word of advice to coach Doug, elven coach "Dark Thoughts" Dan exclaimed "Sod Off!"

IV. Post Season The Spike! Tournament

With victories of 4-1 and 3-1 and a bit of sabotage that prevented Drim's Reapers and New World Chaos from arriving, the Dark Elves appeared in the third slot at the glorious Spike Tournament. This lead to a rematch against the second seeded "The Shining Stars That Illuminates Our Path...". This time, the ratings were closer with the Dark Elves slightly outclassed by the High Elves by a margin of 150 to 159. Although both teams ran the ball well, some evil wiaard had cast a pall over the game, causing both sides to suffer bad luck and double ones at least four times each. Despite numerous fumbles and falls, the game was tied 2-2 at the end of regulation time.

During overtime, the High Elves marched steadily toward the Dark Elf goal. With bravado and pendulous breasts, Dark Elf player Be-Atch charged into the fray, stole the ball, and tossed it to 'Ho, a brilliant play in the midst of many enemies. The High Elves responded by pushing the blonde vixen into the stands. The Dark Elf fans were outraged and heaved the ball back to Be-Atch, who promptly threw the ball to Biggus Elf Staff for the winning Dark Elf touchdown - final score 3-2.

Immediately, the 3 and 6 Dark Elves (rating 160) charged into the Spike Tournament final game, a rematch against the "Necro Nasties" (rating 172). Because of the immense importance of the final game, and the high popularity of the two teams, 61,000 fans crowded the stadium to see the finale. The Nasties scored first, but were answered with an elven touchdown by star player 'Ho. The Nasties replied with a savage attack that badly hurt the elven sex machine. A tooth-and-nail struggle for victory lead to a 1-1 deadlock at the end of the half.

During the break, the elves vowed revenge. At the opening of the second half, elven trash talking (and a handy play of the "I'll Get You" spell) forced the Nasties to lose a turn as fouling star player IrriHoTep was sent to the penalty box. The Dark Elves, always willing to capitalize on evil turns of events, promptly charged in at the kicked ball and marched it in for the 2-1 go-ahead score. This play seemed to rattle the Nasties, who promptly dropped the ball on the next play. The elves once again picked up the ball, but this time formed a cage and stalled for time at the 1 yard line. The Nasties, slow and unable to run the length of the field, could barely attack the elven stronghold. With one play to go, the elves stepped in the end zone for the last score of the game, a 3-I thrashing of the dejected and saddened Nastie team.

V. Conclusion

A golden shower of 200,000 gold pieces befell the elves, who ended the season with a rating of 183 and the right to all glory and benefits of a victorious Spike tournament. The Cinderella team from the Swamps had sunk to the depths of 0 wins and 6 losses, only to return to win the last 4 games of the season, including the all-important, most-glorious Spike tournament. At this point the elves have returned to their southern home, to retire and enjoy the fruits of victory and the extra friendly cheerleader squad. It is rumored that another elven team is in training, hoping to fill the boots and drain the wineskins of the L.A. Night Voss, the victors of the first Spike tournament.

Dan "May We Have a Statement?" Becker reporting